Things are clearer now, I guess, but one thing does bother me. Can you be unhappily in love while you’re in a relationship? With the actual person you’re devoted to? No matter how I twist and turn events and things said and done on that trip and after, I can’t rid myself of the feeling of being the one who’s giving myself away but not getting the same in return. Or am I even getting anything in return at all? Am I just not seeing it? I’m  back where I was in July, in relationship limbo where I can’t tell upside from upside down and it’s leaving me nervous and worried.

I guess some people are good at erasing problems in their own ways, or just telling you you’re being silly. I get that a lot, and perhaps from the directions it really shouldn’t be coming. If I have them in a relationship I’d sure like some consideration because there are never just one side of a problem, and between two people they’re hardly created by just one person. If they’re also growing, something must be wrong. I’m not the one to sit around and wait either, I do, like any normal person, want to feel loved and wanted, and living on something said 6 months ago or even 9, can’t really keep on making my day after all this time has passed. Should I just know? I know that’s what you’re saying, but it’s not really that easy either. Looking at past failures rubs facts in your face as well; I’m not full of doubts because I want to be – it’s because I’ve been fooled before. It leaves scars and marks, and no matter how different you are from them, I can’t just close my eyes and make them disappear. No matter how much I should know about your feelings, they just can’t be felt 24/7 when you’re not even around.

So, unhappily in love but still insanely happy I am the chosen one without really being able to feel it? I may be bound to words, which some people might see as shallow as well, I’m aware of that. But words are something we all have, we all own our own words and we have the power to use them, for good and for bad. What I’m afraid of is waking up one day and it will be too late to use them, that someone dear to me will be gone before I ever got the chance to tell him or her how important he or she is to me. So I use my words, I sometimes even blurt them out and leave someone surprised, but it’s better than never letting them out at all. I’m not saying it’s easy, but if you love someone you should tell them. You don’t hope they already know because they just should, you tell them before it is too late.

I had a conversation on the phone with someone from work yesterday, and he slapped the truth right across my face. He told me what I’ve been too afraid to realise, and above all, too ignorant to see. If R hadn’t left for Australia in October, our relationship probably wouldn’t have survived til November. A few months ago I’d called him silly, but to be honest, whatever I’ve told myself it wasn’t really that good back then. It wasn’t the fairytale I kept imagining it to be. Are we so eager to find happiness that we’re willing to see through flaws and scenarios that hurt us? Words and actions leaving us numb from pain and still be willing to go further with such a relationship? Are we so desperate to be filled with love that we’re accepting suffering as a part of it?

It’s easy to miss someone not close to you, in fact it’s so easy that it blurs out common sense. He didn’t even treat me that well; he kept disappointing me and walk over me without second thought. Today, looking back and seeing things clearer I can say that I’d never let him have his ways like that again. On the other hand, once we reunite in about 3 weeks, will I have the strength needed to say enough is enough if it turns out he hasn’t changed a bit? My best guess is that he has, but can I be sure? Above all, can I be sure I won’t fall back into old behaviour and just be grateful he choose me and ignore myself when it hurts again?

I know people think I’m travelling across the world to be on his leash, but for once I can say I’m doing something for myself. I need to see what we’re all about; either meant to be or either get closure on a matter that’s been on my mind for way too long. People change, and I’d like to think I’ve changed as well. I’d like to hope I’m stronger now and able to put my foot down and show him how and what he has to be if he really wants to keep me. There’s something in his voice telling me that he’s realised a thing or two, but when it comes to human beings, there’s one thing I’ve learned; and that is you can never, ever be sure.

Recent happenings in my reality have made me realise I’m not as sure of what I want and what I feel as I thought. I feel sure, but under the influence of alcohol and other people I’ve ended up doing things I can’t even explain myself. I thought love was a strong bond and once you felt it deep down, nothing could shake your foundations; that you’d stand up and be one with that feeling all the time. When it comes to me I think I can point out and frame the problem. I’m so scared of being left over that it takes control of everything, and the thought of being alone til the end of time puts me in a state of complete numbness. Our society is so fixed, and the norm is to be coupled trying to live a perfect life. Are we all slaves under social codes and unwritten laws? What are we really chasing after?

All these thoughts started 2.5 years ago as my ex broke up with me, and since then I haven’t been able to rid myself of them. I got completely damaged from being left after a long relationship and these feelings just won’t go away. What I’m worried about is that this will complicate things that are important to me; like someone I’ve got deep feelings for. Will he see me as the freak I am or will he actually understand? Or how will he ever be able to understand that I use sex as a painkiller, a way of keeping that voice inside of me quiet? The voice telling me that I’m not wanted and that I will end up a leftover. It’s a way of making myself feel wanted but also a way of keeping every opportunity close. It’s like my reptile brain is telling me to have backup plans just in case things go to hell so I just can turn around and grab next chance on finding someone.

Does this sound pathetic and tragic? It is, I just don’t know what to do to turn it around. I don’t want to feel or act this way, I want to be able to rest my mind and be able to believe in what’s about to be given to me in a few weeks. Maybe I’m just freaking out because what I want so badly is so damn close that I’m doing everything in my power to ruin it. Maybe I’m just the common idiot when it comes to relationships, just like everyone else. I’m stuck in a pattern created by society, the freaky part is where I’m not sure I want to get out of it. People are strange.